Taming the control freak beast

(For those of you who have worked with me before; for those who know me really well (and who will know me better after reading this); and for those who understand what I'm talking about here even if you've never met me.)

It's impossible to have a new job in a new country AND be a control freak. Alas. I know this in my head, but my reflexes need to catch up. They still fire automatically when something needs to be done. I find my body moving quickly down a school hallway, only to realize I have no idea where I'm going or what to do once I get there. For the past five years at my former school, I helped determine "the way we do things here." (I also knew where everything was.) Now, I'm learning a whole new set of procedures (not to mention a new building layout) that--sigh--someone else has figured out. Often, I find myself in a place (literally and figuratively) where I can't move forward without help. OK, I'll be honest. This happens all the time. It happens because other people know how to do something or where to go, and I don't. Where it gets really weird are the situations when...wait for it...it's their job to do it for me. Eeek!

The following scenarios have tested my control freakness in just the past 24 hours.

1) My classroom has no desks, no chairs, no white board, and sets of lockers with piles of locker shelves stacked up on the side.
What I was told: draw a floor plan of the room as I want it and give it to the maintenance crew leader who will see that my room is arranged thusly, and the lockers completed.
My impulse: whip out the screwdriver and start assembling. Find the furniture supply room and start hauling. Who cares if it's 110 degrees in the shade--school starts in 9 days!
What I'm going to do: the floor plan (check!), bite my nails, trust that it will get done...hyperventilate a little, bake brownies for the maintenance crew, go back to trusting that it will get done.

2) My school laptop is not ready yet. Since this is a Mac campus and I have a PC, it's hard to get started (doing anything!) without the laptop.
What I was told to do: wait until Tuesday.
My impulse: panic. Hunt down the tech guy and find a way to get the laptop this minute (shout out to K for soothing words after bearing the brunt of the panicking part).
What I'm going to do: wait until Tuesday...look enviously at my colleagues whose laptops are ready. And wait until Tuesday.

Professionally, this is a lot of what I came here for--to figure out a way to let go, to trust the process and myself enough to allow things to get done on a timeline that differs from the one in my freaky head. To depend on other people maybe a little without feeling as though the world will collapse onto my very shoulders. That kind of thing. Having a maintenance crew step in is wonderful--but "maintenance crew" is just a stand-in for "anyone with a different timeline that may, actually, be as good or better than mine but how would I know if I have to control everything all the damn time?"

Crossing cultures is always a good way to bring these issues to the fore. There are few situations where a person is LESS in control than in a new country. Though I sometimes find it hard to relax, I don't find it hard to accept the reality--and necessity--of this. After all, what is a colonizer if not a control freak with a lot of power and no perspective? And I'm not a colonizer. So, I'm taking lots of deep breaths, freaking out privately (or to K) and reminding myself that the (many, many) opportunities to practice letting go is good for me. Maybe in the same way lima beans are good for me. But good nonetheless.